Here’s an article I really enjoyed.

A revelation for the makers of Revelations
by Jason Byassee

Revelations is a new NBC miniseries designed to tap into the lucrative market of end-times belief—demonstrated by the success of the Left Behind novels. Actor Bill Pullman plays a Harvard scientist whose skepticism, be assured, will gradually be worn down by a Roman Catholic nun who believes signs of the “end of days” are upon us. That Pullman’s child has been murdered by the Antichrist and that another now-comatose child is channeling his daughter’s spirit while quoting the Bible in Latin from her hospital bed will, no doubt, help wear away his skepticism.

Since network television is new to making shows that deal sympathetically with religious themes, I thought they could use the following pointers.

Notes to the makers of Revelations:

1. It’s Revelation. Not Revelations. It’s singular, not plural. That’s because it’s the one revelation of Jesus Christ. Really. I looked it up. People who say “Revelations” show they don’t know what they’re talking about. I know you’ve already spent massively advertising this misnomer, and it’s a common mistake, but it’s still dumb, so please fix it.

2. Jesus hasn’t come back for 20 centuries. Sorry to be so obvious here, but someone seems to have convinced you that the “end of days” is really near this time. You’re not the first to think this, but everyone who ever has, has been wrong. Like when believers sold their stuff and expected the apocalypse at the turn of the first millennium – the year 1000. Or when someone wrote 88 Reasons the Rapture Will Happen in 1988. Or the Y2K nonsense. Trust us on this; we in the church have been waiting for Jesus to come “soon” for quite some time.

3. The New Testament was written in Greek. So when your lightening-struck brain-dead little girl starts “quoting scripture” and doing so in Latin, the aura created by the use of a dead language is punctured a bit by the fact that it’s the wrong language she uses.

4. Catholics don’t really believe in the rapture. I know you needed Catholics around to interpret the Latin-speaking brain-dead miracle-girl, but the Catholic Church, if pinned down, would be happy to tell you that the rapture is a heresy. Also most Catholic priests don’t speak or hear Latin much anymore. And most nuns don’t wear habits. Pre-Vatican II Catholicism makes for good costumes, but it makes your show look silly also.

5. Doctors and nurses don’t really hope for patients to die so they can “harvest” their organs. All the Schiavo excitement might have you believe that impugning hard-working medical professionals will be good for ratings, but when little girls speak, even if it’s scripture in Latin, doctors aren’t generally eager to cut their organs out. This isn’t really a religious observation, but I think I can make it safely all the same.

6. When Christians read Isaiah’s prophecy that “a little child will lead them,” they think it’s referring to Jesus. Not to a baby floating on driftwood after an apocalyptic sinking of a cruiseliner in the Aegean Sea. And generally Christians are unpleased when verses that apply to Jesus are taken to apply to other people. Generally.

6a. It has subsequently become apparent that the child is, in fact, Jesus, now returned to earth. I promise you can’t find me a Left-Behinder who believes in reincarnation, let alone in the reincarnation of Jesus – who is, after all, supposed to return in something of a blaze of glory. But do let me tip my hat to a rare instance of interreligious liberality. Even Buddhists can be offended by this program.

7. There is no Satanism in the bible. This will be a surprise, for clearly the satanic ritual around the murder of your lead character’s daughter, and your Satanist character’s quasi-omniscience – and his inability to bleed – all seem very fascinating to you. But for scripture and traditional Christianity, Satan is really not all that interesting. He doesn’t get his own “religion,” and he sure as hell doesn’t know everything. That’s what they pay youth counselors and Christian camps to do – scare youngsters by talking about Satanists. Because the Bible sure doesn’t do it.

8. Bill Pullman is a lousy actor. You didn’t need a professional religious person to tell you that, but you also didn’t know it on your own.

9. The Bible is not a set of tarot cards. It is not a crystal ball. It is not an amulet to foresee the future. I know this is confusing, since the Christians you know seem to treat random verses as glimpses of geopolitical futures, but trust me. The Bible is a story about God’s saving work in the world. It’s very religious that way – it’s mostly about God and God’s people, and not so much about Satan or lightning-zapping little girls or satanic dismemberment. In fact, it’s more about God’s healing of this world than phantasmagoric pornography.

10. Shows that claim to be about the Bible and Jesus ought probably talk about the Bible and Jesus. Just a little. And maybe the creeds, as they interpret the Bible for the church. All you have to do is talk a little about Jesus’ life. That sort of thing. As a preacher I know religious types expect this.

11. Ugly, banal, ridiculous, and hateful programming really gives no glory to God. And lucky for us in this case, no one watches it either.

12. Please read these notes fast, because your show’s shelf-life is going to be about half that of the average rapture prediction. Don’t say you weren’t warned that the end is near.

Jason Byassee is assistant editor at The Christian Century and a Ph.D. candidate in theology at Duke University.

Sojo Article